If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
