What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
