You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
