So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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