Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I licked your asshole in confidence.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
