So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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