o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
