then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
