I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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