just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
