i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
