What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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