My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
