i was born a porn star she said
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
