My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
