i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
