I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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