And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
