Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize