What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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