just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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