Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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