What did we do last night that was yellow?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize