Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i wish my penis had a tongue
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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