They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
