just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
