he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
