just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
