did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
