just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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