we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
