I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
