My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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