Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize