Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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