i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize