Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
