She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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