Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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