Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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