You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
