Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
