He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
