Just took my morning after pill in the library
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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