Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
