You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
