I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
