I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we're making bets on your personal life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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