Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
