i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
