I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
