Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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