All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
