If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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