i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
God I need to hump something, right now.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
