dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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