Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Your penis caused this!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
