I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
