how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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