Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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