this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
