Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
